Re: OO versus RDB

Marshall wrote:

> H. S. Lahman wrote:
>

>>The point is that the application problem solution does not care how the
>>data is stored.  Nor should it be affected by any changes to the data
>>storage that do not effect its semantics.  In half a century in this
>>business I've observed the introduction of five major paradigms for
>>persistence.  I would not bet against yet another appearing.
>>[...]
>>I don't care what storage paradigm is used or what access mechanisms one
>>uses to access the data store.  The point is that, whatever they are,
>>they should be isolated from the problem solution so that they are
>>completely transparent to the problem solution.

"Buzzword compliance management" <- ROFLMAO

I can picture the CEO giving the speech at the kickoff meeting:

The last few years we have seen our share of ups and downs. I am happy to report we have good news at last! In spite of difficult times a few years ago, the executive team came up with a plan, we executed that plan, and now our shareholders are reaping the reward. We not only have growing earnings but once again have record earnings.

[applause]

As you all know, a few years ago earnings faltered. At that time, it became apparent we had become bloated and sluggish as a company. We needed to become lean and tough once again, and we created our own new paradigm through a series of right-sizings, downsizings, reductions in force, and proactive end-to-end creative destruction. At the same time, we were forced to take a major write down due to severances, buy outs and pensions and discovered (and to our credit immediately admitted) past accounting irregularities. Through careful earnings management, however, our company experienced only one quarter of truly negative earnings growth.

It was a difficult adjustment. We all saw friends and long-time colleagues leave our company including all of our H1b employees at that time. But thanks to much help from the change management consultants at Opportunity Inc., we got through that difficult period, realized it was really a win-win situation and came out a stronger better company.

Faced with a much smaller North American workforce, the resulting increased need for productivity growth, and a North American hiring freeze, the executive team spearheaded a plan to deliver the software needed to create the required productivity gains through massive offshore outsourcing. To our credit, we avoided making risky capital investments in unfamiliar territory (after due diligence) by bringing in the recently created best-of-breed cutting-edge offshoring team from the consulting company Accents R Us.

Of course, it took time to create the productivity growth necessary to handle more with less. It also took time to adjust to our new paradigm resulting in several quarters of sideways growth. We have finally achieved the necessary productivity gains. Our current North American staff now produce more than our former staff that was 200% larger--in spite of several years of wage and hiring freezes!

I am here to thank YOU! Because without you, we would not be where we are today. If you were not doing the work of three people, we would still have flat earnings growth. The executive team thanks you and the shareholders thank you.

[applause]

However, all is not as rosy as it seems. While we have had virtually zero staff turnover in North America even in the face of frozen wages and the increased stress of greater responsibility, we have identified a disturbing upward trend in our offshore staff turnover rate, and we have tracked down the source of the problem to the buzzwords gestalt.

The software we created was state of the art a couple years ago, but it has now fallen behind the times. The staff who wrote that software are leaving us to pursue projects with other companies using all of the latest buzzwords. As a result, we are losing the key resources who know our software the best and we face the daunting prospect of offering them a larger fraction of the prevailing North American pay rates unless we act fast, become the thought leaders and enter yet another paradigm.

That next generation breakthrough paradigm is "buzzwords compliance."

Going forward, we have to leverage all of the latest buzzwords to create a buzzword synergy. To achieve sustainability, we must utilize all the latest buzzwords in every one of our software projects. This means we will have to take the extreme programming discipline of not relying on any feature from any technology. We have to become agile enough to switch to any new buzzword at the speed of thought.

Unfortunately, we face a buzzwords deficit here at home. Due to the elimination of our North American IT training budget, many of our North American staff lack the buzzword knowledge necessary to build a bridge to this new breakthrough paradigm. As a result, we are going to have to let go of many of our North American IT staff and instead engage world class cutting-edge thought leaders capable to meet the current challenge.

Our further research indicates that we cannot find local candidates with experience and training in the newest buzzwords, and we will need to recruit staff overseas to meet our needs.

To that end, later, as you leave the auditorium, you will receive sample letters addressed to our congressmen and senators urging them to increase the H1b visa limits to make hiring the necessary thought leaders possible without driving up local wages. While these letters are entirely voluntary, all employees, especially members of our North American IT staff, are encouraged to sign and post these letters in the USPS mailboxes conveniently located near every exit.

These letters are entirely voluntary. We will not be deciding who to cut from our IT staff based on who posts the letters. I repeat we WILL NOT be retaining staff based on who posts these letters. The managers greeting you as you leave the auditorium are not there to record who posts the letters but there only to celebrate our current success with our staff as they leave the kickoff meeting. Entirely voluntary.

After reducing our North American IT staff by half, our remaining North American IT staff will receive training in Buzzword Analysis and Design (BA/D) from--and be helped into this new paradigm by--consultants at The Buzzword Factory, the cutting-edge experts in this breakthrough paradigm.

In order to execute this new plan, the executive team have decided to reintroduce stock options and bonuses to ensure we can retain assets deemed strategic to this new plan. Given their success at achieving record earnings, we have determined that without improvements to the compensation package, most if not all of the executive team would likely move on to greener pastures. Therefore, each member of the executive team will receive a bonus for their hard work executing our last plan as well as new stock options and a revaluation of the strike price to the lowest trading price in the last three years.

Further, having lost several strategic resources from our offshore staff, the executive team have authorized signing bonuses, stock options   and visa sponsorship to entice these strategic resources to return to our fold.

We are all very excited by the prospect of continuing to grow our core business through productivity gains without increasing staffing levels. We plan to show proactive leadership to achieve a strategic competitive advantage with this new breakthrough paradigm, "buzzwords compliance."

Because when it comes to paradigms, shift happens!

Thank you everyone! Received on Mon Jun 26 2006 - 06:27:35 CEST