The sexual habits of the computer professional

From: Matthew Gaunt <Matthew.Gaunt_at_auth-sol.co.uk>
Date: 1999/01/28
Message-ID: <36B0F1A8.9A18DF65_at_auth-sol.co.uk>#1/1

           The sexual habits of the computer professional
           ==============================================

The world in general likes to believe that the insular computer boffin does not know the meaning of love-making. Of course this is not true. Most IT specialists have healthy and rewarding sex lives - often with other humans - which keep them bright and smiling as they tap away at the keyboard and chuckle at the fading Dilbert cartoon stuck to their monitor. And the true professional always behaves faithfully to his chosen development environment - even in the bedroom....

Pascal

---

You make love to your girlfriend.

BASIC

---

You waggle your penis ineffectually at your girlfriend.

Visual BASIC

---

You get a tattoo on your penis, then waggle it ineffectually at your girlfriend.

C++
---

Both your girlfriend and her cousin use the same method of love-making with you. Unfortunately, they both inherited it from their father, and you painfully waddle home sporting an anus like the Japanese flag.

COBOL

---

IF SLAPPED_FACE
   NEXT SENTENCE
ELSE
   PERFORM A_FONDLE_BREASTS

           THRU
           B_APOLOGISE_FOR_MESS
           VARYING W_GRIMACE
           UNTIL W_TESTICLES_EMPTY = TRUE.

SQL
---

You make love to your girlfriend, but it takes hours, and everyone in the street has to wait until you've finished before they can make love to their partners. When you've finished, you tell your girlfriend that you're not committed to her, and she pretends you never made love in the

first place.

Assembly language

---

You spend weeks with a propelling pencil and some graph paper planning exactly how you’re going to make love to your girlfriend, but when the moment comes you end up enthusiastically buggering the cat. Afterwards you pretend that you wanted to do that anyway.

Unix

---

You want to make love to your girlfriend the really clever way you did it yesterday, but you've forgotten it.

NT

--
Someone else regularly makes ActiveLoveâ„¢ to your girlfriend without
asking you, and you can never catch the fucker at it and don't know how
to make them stop.


Microsoft Word '97


------------------


You proudly unveil your erection in the bedroom.  Your girlfriend winks
at you and says "It looks like you're going to have a wee.  Would you
like some help with weeing?".


C
-
Every time you make love to your partner, your penis points in a
different direction.  You don't notice until eventually it points
straight up your own arse.


Java


----

You learn a technique which is supposed to bring any girl to orgasm, but

it only works with your mother.

Received on Thu Jan 28 1999 - 00:00:00 CET