Re: Anyone care to add the SQL and PL/SQL chapters?

Nuno Souto wrote:
>
> I dunno who invented this but I still get a laugh out of it after all
> these years. The two before last are my own modest contribution.
> Anyone care to add the obvious SQL and/or PL/SQL section(s)?
>
> THE PROGRAMMER'S QUICK GUIDE TO THE LANGUAGES
>
> The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem
> to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it
> difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This handy
> reference is offered as a public service to help programmers who find
> themselves in such a dilemma.
>
> TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot.
>
> C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
>
> C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot
> them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is
> impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are
> just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."
>
> FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run
> out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out
> of bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways
> because you have no exception-handling capability.
>
> ALGOL: You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is
> esthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic
> in the emergency room.
>
> Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
>
> Ada: After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently
> load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the
> foot. However when you try, you discover you can't because your foot
> is of the wrong type.
>
> COBOL: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
> ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to
> HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied.
>
> LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
> which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
> which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
> which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
> which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
> which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
>
> SCHEME: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
> which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
> which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
> which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ...
> but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening.
>
> FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.
>
> Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot.
> The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it
> to explain it to you.
>
> BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large
> systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
>
> Visual Basic: You'll really only _appear_ to have shot yourself in the
> foot, but you'll have had so much fun doing it that you won't care.
>
> HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you.
> Answer the result.
>
> Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the
> bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory
> handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the
> trigger, the gun jams.
>
> APL: You hear a gunshot and there's a hole in your foot, but you
> don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what the hell
> happened.
>
> Unix:
> % ls
> foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
> % rm * .o
> rm:.o no such file or directory
> % ls
> %
>
> sh, csh, Perl, etc:
> You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five hours
> reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the computer and
> switch to C.
>
> Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
>
> 370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS in a box and include a
> 400-page document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot.
> Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.
>
> Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can
> too.
>
> Access: You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in
> all your Borland distribution diskettes instead.
>
> Revelation: You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself
> in the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these nifty
> little bullet-thingies are for.
>
> Assembler: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you
> must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.
> Then you crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system
> administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of
> contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and hops
> around the room rabidly shooting at everyone in sight.
>
> Modula2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything
> in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.
>
> Smalltalk:
> You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing system
> that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation,
> and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal.
>
> PL/I: You consume all available system resources, including all the
> offline bullets. The DataProcessing&Payroll Department doubles its
> size, triples its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and drops the
> original one on your foot.
>
> SNOBOL: You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to
> be a bullet. The act of shooting the original foot then changes your
> hand/bullet into yet another foot (a left foot).
>
> Java: You import the entire gun encyclopedia class, the entire mankind
> class and the definition of all bullets ever made. When you finally
> figure out which combination you want to use, the bullet moves so slow
> that your foot rots and falls off by itself.
>
> Javascript: You define the gun, the bullet and the foot in three
> lines. Then everytime you run it in a different browser, you shoot
> everything but the foot.
>
> English: You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off.
>
> Cheers
> Nuno Souto
> nsouto_at_optushome.com.au.nospam

SQL: ALERT! There is a critical bug with bullet shooting in this release. You should not attempt to shoot your foot until release 9.1.3.2.4.3.4

PL/SQL: Procedure created with errors. Bullet shooting does not guarantee not to update your foot. Use pragma restrict_references.

-- 
==============================
Connor McDonald

http://www.oracledba.co.uk

"Some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue..."