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Facts of life explained! Was :Off Topic: Row Locking - Row Id

From: Mark Leith <>
Date: Fri, 16 Feb 2001 04:06:20 -0800
Message-ID: <>

DBA:            Right then Englebert, today we are going to start trying to learn
about the facts                 of life, and then incorporate this in to trying to 
build a
database that doesn't           fall over every time you sneeze!

Duhveloper:     Duh, n'ok.

DBA:            First, do you know where a (two fingers of each hand in the air, said
slowly)                 "D-A-T-A-B-A-SE" comes from?

Duhveloper: Well, Seamus, my team leader says they come from a great God in
the sky, bearing                gifts, of a CD, and many many manuals.

DBA:            Ever seen one of these manuals Englebert?

Duhveloper: Oh, yeah, I seen one once, it had a REALLY pretty cover on it!

DBA:            OK then - oO(I can see this is going to be difficult) - Right
Englebert, lets start           from the top, when you go out on a night on the
town, you take great care in                    preparation for this, you take a 
shower -
oO(wish you did before work) - have a           shave, dress to kill, splash on the
aftershave, and wear your best shoes that your          Mummy bought you right?

Duhveloper: Uh-huh.

DBA:            Starting a new database is the same, you have to take great care in
preparing               before you slip your thing in the drive! Take care to make sure
your "machine" has              enough space, power, is well connected, and doesn't
have a fragmented hard drive..

Duhveloper: Oh right pretty much like a woman then..

DBA:            YES ENGLEBERT!! Are you not listening? You've got an attention span
of a gold fish          I SWEAR!! Now, once you have prepared your machine, you can
take your thing out of          its protective packaging (for once;), and slip it
in to the drive. You will hear a                lot of whirring and moaning, don't 
that's just your machine warming up to          the idea! Now, once this has been
done you will be faced with a number of options                 on the screen.

Duhveloper: Not TOO many I hope?

DBA:            Just shut up and listen Englebert! Just like there are many positions
you can                 choose with a woman, there are many options with (fingers in 
air again)
                "O-R-A-C-L-E". As a part of your preparation, you should take care to 
out             which options are needed, and "liked" by the user. Just a lot like
"Pushing the            right buttons" OK?

Duhveloper: Righhhttt, I'm starting to get this now, tell me more..

DBA:            So, you have chosen the options you want to take, you have got in to
those                   "positions" and managed to come out of it OK, once you have 
this, you have a                BIG button to press. Now, don't worry when your 
starts working itself in                to a    frenzy, this is just the point at which
your "CD" starts injecting all of its           "data" in to your "machine".

Duhveloper: Yeah I know this part! This is all the fun right?

DBA:            In practice maybe Englebert, but in real "Production" this can be a
daunting time!          Take care to watch the progress of this carefully! Don't
get to tense, and just try              and sit back and relax as this goes on, it
shouldn't take too long though.

Duhveloper: N'OK, so the data is in right, what do I have to do next?

DBA:            Next, you have to make sure the database comes up OK, much like
getting your woman              to lay with her feet in the air! You start the
processes, and configure your                   connections, cross your fingers in YOUR
case. Hopefully, the database will have                 "seeded" OK, and will be ready 
start growing. At this time, take care to feed          your "machine" well, it
will be hungry for "information", and "memory". Nurse it on             a daily basis.

Duhveloper: How long for?

DBA:            Unlike a woman, it shouldn't take nine months - oO(although it may
take YOU that           just to read the installation manual) - During this time you
will need to install            "tools" around the perimeter of the database, to help
develop and maintain it, like           toys, and a cot, and other such things.

Duhveloper: WE GET TOYS!! oh oh oh what kinda toys?

DBA:            Calm DOWN Englebert, only if your lucky.. So, the "D-A-T-A-B-A-S-E"
has grown to a          good size now, and needs to be "exported". Be sure to hold
your "machines" hand            when doing this, it is a tricky time in "production".
Once you have had a successful          "export", you will need to "import" your
carefully reorganized, shiny new                        "database" in to a more loving
environment, where it should continue to grow in to             a happy little mate of

Duhveloper: And I get to play with the toys more then right?

DBA: Shut up!

Duhveloper: N'OK.

DBA:            Now, there is something called an "A-L-E-R-T-L-O-G", think of this as
a nappy, be             sure to check this on a regular basis, sometimes it will be
full of "s*%t", when            this happens you should go and see the Mummy - that
would be me as I hold your              bloody hand all day long - and I will see if I
can make it go away. Nurse you          "database" carefully and lovingly, and
eventually it should grow in to a happy                 little DUHVELOPER just like you

Duhveloper: So, your my Mummy? Does that mean your going to by me some nice shiny new shoes to go out with? And, can you start again, I forgot what you said after the insert data

                bit, I was getting excited!!


Worth 500,000 points?




All comments above are as a result of my humour, and are in no way intended to put down, or harm, any developers, or women - for my comment on they should change nappies! I myself do this on a daily basis with my 2 year old:)

Please no flaming ;^)

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Thursday, February 15, 2001 06:43
To: Mark Leith

On Thu, 15 Feb 2001, Mark Leith wrote:

> Wooohooooo 500,000 Clive Anderson points?
> That MUST mean that I have to read the credits in the style of your
> choosing.. What will it be tonight? :)

Let's see...

How about as DBA explaining the facts of life to a duhveloper?


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Author: Mark Leith

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Received on Fri Feb 16 2001 - 06:06:20 CST

Original text of this message