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The Top 20 Arguments in Microsoft's Appeal

From: Glenn Travis <>
Date: Fri, 16 Jun 2000 11:27:16 -0400
Message-Id: <>

Thought you guys would get a kick out of this...

        A federal judge has ordered Microsoft to split 
      into two separate companies -- one for the Windows 
     operating system, and another for their Office suite 
      and other software.  Microsoft has vowed to appeal.

           The Top 20 Arguments in Microsoft's Appeal

20> Your Honor, all of our arguments have been posted on

19> But I appeared in a commercial wearing a sweater! Would an

   evil overlord of an industry-crippling monopoly appear on    TV wearing a *sweater*?

18> Okay, let me get this straight: You're saying you want us

   to have *two* monopolies instead of one?!?

17> Her first name ain't Baby, it's Janet -- Miss Reno if you're


16> Continue with this foolishness, mortal, and I will be forced

   to unleash the vengeance of my 500-foot metal battle-robot,    Mechasoft!

15> This court has performed an illegal operation and will be

   shut down. [Close] [Details]

14> Splitting the company would leave the whole world domination

   thing wide open for Oprah.

13> Our reasons for appealing this judgement are myriad and a bit

   complicated to explain because you people are -- no offense

12> Isn't anyone at all concerned that McDonalds sells breakfast

   AND lunch?

11> Once we start splitting, there'll be no end to it. We'll

   continue multiplying and dominating every market we enter.    Beware the tribble factor!!

10> We've got fifteen million reasons to throw out this case --

   in small, unmarked bills.

9> Divestiture will restrict the free flow of pornography

   guaranteed to all Americans by the Bill of Rights.

8> If Windows and our applications can't work together, the

   system may become unstable and prone to crashing... Ha!!    Just a little humor, Your Honor!!

7> Let me explain it this way, Your Honor: as part of Microsoft's

   endless commitment to serving the needs of its users, we track    all traffic to Do you catch my drift,    gavelman778?

6> Lay off or the animated paperclip gets it!

5> We've begun the split, Your Honor, by appointing Donato the

   head of one company and Marisleysis the head of the other.

4> Immunity from prosecution was clearly stipulated in Mr.

   Gates's blood contract with Satan.

3> A split would force Microsoft to release some of its geeks

   back into the wild, making America 90% less sexy.

2> Mr. Gates agrees to remove the helmet, breathing apparatus and

   cape, and refrain from strangling or hurling heavy equipment at    his adversaries. In exchange, he gets to keep the Death Star.

 and the Number 1 Argument in Microsoft's Appeal...

1> Two companies would mean Melinda would have to sleep with Received on Fri Jun 16 2000 - 10:27:16 CDT

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